On Trust

Dear Diary,

The last few years, . . . Ok I will be honest— the last eight years, I have been in an internal spiral of sorts. I did not honor my own boundaries, I didn’t trust myself, much else anyone else. Self love? Self Respect? Oh, they were in a tattered condition, but they definitely existed. Otherwise I would not feel so good today.

A day or so ago, I watched the Brene Brown’s The Anatomy of Trust video that can be found on SuperSoul TV (http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust). The video required some pauses, and moments of deep thought. Moving on in my day, several things Mrs. Brown said stuck with me. These were all things I had already discovered and figured out on my own, but had not put into words.

She used a quote from Mya Angelo, the one about not trusting people based on what they do or don’t say and how they treat themselves. That hit home. My ability to trust was mangled, abused and worn through in spots. All that lead to a lot of questions that I sought answers to, for instance —

? What had I done to deserve this
? How blind am I to my own character faults
? What are my character faults
? How do I fix me
? How can I prevent me from feeling, being here in this mire again

I realized during all that self analysis and examination, that we are who we are is based upon the environment and projections we have been exposed to since infancy in conjunction with our born unique personalities and perspectives. Then reaching adulthood or some semblance of maturity, we have the ability to choose acceptance of ourselves as we are or choose better.

In my middling twenties, I think I did just that, choose better. I became bold and independent. I began to like me a bit.

At times, I was pleased with myself. Though in retrospect those times I wasn’t always compelled to please others when it infringed beyond kindness. It took some gumption to brave my new world. Thankfully, that wonderful soul that accompanied me on my journey is still here, and again has picked me up off the back porch of my soul and taken me off into the future —where I want to be but was too insecure to do so.

Not only is this a year of possibility. (All years are full of possibility, if we choose to see it.) It is the year of trusting myself. That trust stretches into my writing. No more second guessing myself, my ability to tell a story, or write. I am going to work on trusting my storytelling ability and just write.

Ah, that feels so very nice.

What could you learn to trust yourself about?

J.

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