Diary of a Middle Age Woman Writer

Out of My Control

Recent circumstances have made me confront that nasty awful feeling of being in a state of mercy— both giving and receiving compassion.
Perspective, opinion, and circumstances always place us on one side or the other of receiving. Receiving is hard. I hate it. Ok, so, hate is a strong word. It is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and requires graciousness that I don’t always have. It causes me to step outside of myself.
This crossroad in my life path is also an opportunity, if I let it be, to self correct, gain experience, grace and reintroduce myself to what has become a sub focus for my year—joy.
Self respect begets joy- a discovery that I probably knew and then forgot. Perhaps this is part of our purpose in life, to give joy. (Which is hard to do if you aren’t at least near or on the cusp of joy yourself.)
Writing brings me joy.
Life is that simple. Even if we have to do things we don’t particularly enjoy to the nines, we still must find and participate in joy to spread it and share it with others.
Getting to choose how to react to news or status changes is control that is easy to forget but still available to us no matter what. In a state of joy my ability to choose my reaction is easier to make.
Choice of reaction, action and perspective can be influenced by current feelings, but feelings are fluid, ever changing and there isn’t one we aren’t allowed to feel. We also don’t have to cling desperately to any of them.
Loss of Control.
Sucks.
Flow and fluidity, learning about working with serious distractions, a wonderful lesson to learn right now. Figuring out how to do so is a challenge, but breaking it down to what can I do right now this instant and take it all moment to moment makes it a little easier.
Thoughts that evolved because of and in spite of circumstances beyond my control and stepping back to just be, and meditate before making a decision. Not an ah-ha moment, but more of an “Ah!” moment; no ha involved.
I think this maybe one of those things that until you have been at this place in your own life, it may all be gobble-d-goop. If you have been there, it is likely familiar ramblings and you might be nodding and contemplating where you were and what was going on at the time.
We aren’t alone in this, which is somehow comforting. Also why I shared my meandering thoughts. It didn’t fix or change anything; it did bring me a moment when I felt understood. For my friend that gave that to me, this is my way of paying it forward. Thanks.

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